Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
