I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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