I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
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