I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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