i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
