So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
