Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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