My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
