I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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