turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
