im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
