So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Couch. On fire.
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