Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
