did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
