I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
