Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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