he puts the penis in happiness.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
