This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
