i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
