Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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