i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
