Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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