You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
