Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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