apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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