i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
