Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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