Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
