Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
