if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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