I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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