I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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