her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
