I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm getting married
To pizza
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
