he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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