Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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