how can u be prego again
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
