Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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