And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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