I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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