So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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