The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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