we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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