I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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