sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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