He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
