I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
