If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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