she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
