So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
