And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
