They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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