I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
