What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
