The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
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Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
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do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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