I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
