Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
